Assumptions, Self‑Leadership, and the Cost of Not Asking

Most issues don’t start with bad intent. They start with assumptions

In business, how we interpret situations matters just as much as what actually happens. And when we don’t seek clarity, our interpretations can quietly do real damage.

One of the biggest challenges I see in business and in life isn’t a lack of skill, intelligence, or even effort.

It’s a lack of self‑leadership.

Self‑leadership is how we manage our thoughts, our emotions, and our responses before we project them onto others. It applies whether you’re a business owner, a manager, or an employee. It applies whether you’re a parent, a child, or a friend. And it becomes especially visible when something doesn’t go the way we expect.

Something happens. We don’t seek clarity. A story is formed instead.

That story often feels true. But it isn’t always accurate.

Assumptions Thrive Where Conversations Don’t Happen

When we don’t seek to understand and get clarity, assumptions fill the gap. Those assumptions are shaped by the lens we view the situation through, our past experiences, our insecurities, and the meaning we assign to events.

Over time, those assumptions harden into beliefs. Beliefs turn into judgement. Judgement often leads to blame. Blame erodes trust and creates friction.

And all of this can happen without the person at the centre of the story ever being part of the conversation.

The “No Triangles” Philosophy

One principle I live by in business is what I call “no triangles.”

If there’s an issue, a concern, or a misunderstanding:

Talk to the person directly
Don’t drag others into the narrative
Don’t vent sideways instead of addressing things head‑on

Triangles create distortion. They amplify stories. They erode trust.

Direct, open, honest conversation — when done with respect and curiosity — builds clarity and accountability.

A Lesson I Learned as a Leader

This experience challenged me — not just as a leader of others, but as a leader of myself.

During my leadership journey, I had a senior bookkeeper who struggled to have direct conversations with me about money. She was great at her job, followed instruction and thought for herself.

Instead of coming to me, she shared her frustration with other team members. Eventually, those frustrations surfaced in a team meeting as a generalised discussion about pay, brought forward by someone else — not as a clear, direct conversation about her own situation.

What was actually happening was this: She had created a story about what she believed was or wasn’t possible. She never tested that story with me. She never sought clarity. She didn't ask the questions.

As a leader, it encouraged me to reflect on how I was fostering connection and openness with my team — particularly for those working remotely — and what signals I may have missed along the way.

In the end, she chose to leave — not because of a conversation we had, but because of the ones that never happened.

That experience reinforced something important for me as a leader: people don’t just leave roles; sometimes they leave the stories they’ve told themselves.

When Assumptions Become Expensive

I’ve also seen the cost of unasked questions with clients.

One new client assumed their employed payroll/bookkeeper knew exactly what they were doing. There was trust, but no verification. No clarity around training. No real understanding by the business owner of payroll obligations themselves.

No one asked the hard questions. No one clarified what was and wasn’t known.

The result?

Over $25,000 in back pay owed to employees
Understated GST returns
Stress, a significant financial impact, and a substantial clean‑up process

This wasn’t about bad intent. It was about assumption replacing due diligence. You don’t know what you don’t know unless you ask questions.

Trust without clarity is not leadership — it’s risk.

Curiosity Is a Leadership Skill

One of the most powerful mindset shifts we can make is moving from assumptions to curiosity. If we don’t step back and really see what’s going on around us, we can’t lead effectively.

Curiosity sounds like:

Help me understand…
Can you walk me through how this works?
I might be missing something — what’s your perspective?

This aligns with a guiding principle I come back to often: Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.

When we lead with curiosity, we:

Reduce defensiveness
Surface issues earlier
Build stronger relationships
Make better decisions

Self‑Leadership in Practice

Before reacting, withdrawing, or talking to others, pause and ask yourself:

Am I responding to facts or to an assumption?
Have I spoken directly to the person involved?
What am I avoiding because it feels uncomfortable?
What responsibility do I have here — regardless of my role?

Self‑leadership isn’t about being right. It’s about being responsible.

To wrap it all up

Assumptions amplify in silence. Clarity amplifies with conversation.

Whether you’re leading a business, a team, or yourself — the stories you tell yourself matter. But the conversations you choose to have matter so much more.

Seek clarity. Stay curious. And lead yourself first.

Categories: : Leadership